Sometimes I wonder if the choices I make are the right choices.
Am I merely doing what I want, or what God wants?
It makes sense I would be facing these choices, it is right on schedule.
Should I wait to be more informed before making some choices, or should I just take step of faith?
Logically I would want to wait, I also know, if I miss the moment, the moment is lost forever.
Would I regret not doing something or would I regret doing something? This is the conflict.
This applies to multiple things happening right now, and it’s troubling me.
I’m just glad I don’t have to make any decisions yet, but I see these things looming on the horizon. They’re certainly troubling, yet they are also opportunities to build my faith.
It feels as though I really am walking on water, and the waves and wind are growing stronger and stronger as I walk, especially people on the boat where I left yelling “hey, come back to the boat, where it is safe,” it definitely is an attractive option to go back to the boat where I left, but the boat eventually will capsize, where I’m fine walking on water as I’m looking to Jesus.
I wish I know more water walkers. It seems like everyone else has so much stability, while my circumstances are ever changing. I feel there’s no one specifically I can follow; there are no role models because “everyone is so much different than me.”
I wonder if it is a lie I’m saying to myself or maybe it’s just something I have to deal with.
This instability keeps my eyes on Jesus, so that’s the really good thing, it also gives an opportunity for envy to enter my heart, to want to have something I don’t have that someone else has.
Everyone is truly unique, though I don’t seem to fit in any of their uniqueness. Maybe I’m normal and everyone else is weird, not the other way around, or I’m like Australia, being separated from normal people for far too long. That in itself is another story that goes all the way back to my earliest memories as a 2 year old, this feeling of never belonging, drifting away from places to places.
Perhaps God made me so I can fit anywhere and everywhere, surely I am by myself, because of that, I can fit everywhere: from the utmost heights to the deepest bottom, from 1st world to 3rd world, from the most sociable person to the most socially awkward person.
I do wish I have someone similar to me to be close with me, so far, there are some that come close, but no one I’ve met can take that seat yet. I see people who potentially will, but I haven’t seen it in full fruition yet.
Until then, I remain a traveler, with no one yet able to keep up. I do hope to find someone in the near future. God knows best, and makes everything work together for my good.
That’s why I really like this song Oceans, it’s totally describing my life and my desire.
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
I want to be at the place where my trust for Jesus is without borders, and I wish I have someone with me who can do the same too..
That is the number one thing I search for in a girl.. Without this, no one has a chance, so no one had a chance…
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