L’esprit de l’escalier

Staircase wit  (as in, you get the idea for something to say only when you are in the staircase, heading home)

This is just a random list of things I wished I’ve said:

You got a little something on your teeth.

You are beautiful.


Actually, when I think about it, I don’t really have things I wished I’ve said. There are things that I wish I can say, but for many reasons, I cannot, for those words can really affect people and affect me as well.

It may lead to jealousy, It may lead them to overthink, It may lead to annoyance, It may lead to change, either for better or worse.

It’s amazing how words can do so much.

The famous quote “Sticks and Bones can hurt me, but words will never will.”

But words can do so much more than hurting.

I think that’s why as people grow, people learn to talk less and less.

Children would blabber on and on, either about themselves or what they see, what their opinions are, what they want.

They’ll also ask for stuff they want. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but they don’t consider the consequences of those requests, what it takes to fulfill those requests; where there’s a benefit, there’s a cost. Pretty much economics right here, sacrificing something to get something else in return.

I don’t really have much of a point to write, I’m just blabbering on because I want to write what I would normally would not say.

As people grow, people observe more, become more cautious of what they say. So is it natural for people to close up?

I dunno, when I was a freshman, I made friends super easily. Now it’s harder and harder to talk and get to know people. Maybe I need to meet more random strangers.

Oh and the Teach for America thing failed. Maybe I really am not meant to be a teacher. I am not exactly the typical role model with 4.0 GPA + all that random role model -y things.

But… I can still see suffering of people. I wish I can do something about that. I’ll see what choices I can pick.

Yeah this rant is really random and short.



Lots of Maybes

Why am I so tired :/

It’s not like I did a lot

It’s not like I think a lot

I don’t remember the last time I was not tired

Maybe because as people grow older, people become less accepting of others?

So tired of cliques

Maybe because as people grow older, people become more complicated?

Why am I old?

Maybe this is why as people get older, they become more lonely?

Am I lonely?

Maybe I am not lonely, perhaps as people get older, the superficial friends fade away and only the true friends remain.

Maybe I am lonely, lonely because people are all closed up, and can’t talk about anything to anyone.

Maybe I need a girl? There is no way I can talk to any guy.

A normal guy convo goes either like this

“Sup N*gga, f*ck you”


“Hey sexy man, (*wink) I wuv you”


“Derrrrrr, Herp, Derrrrrr”


“Hey, let’s go eat”

+ combination of smack talk/complaining/observations of girls/game talk, etc…

They are really simple conversations, there’s nothing wrong with it, but…

Maybe it’s just me, I am not capable of having complex conversations with guys.

Wish I have a girl to talk to, I used to, but most of them are with guys now.

I don’t exactly want to get in any relationship (though I wouldn’t mind), I just need a good friend who’s a girl that I can talk to.

I don’t want to break any hearts, I don’t want to stir up jealousy, I don’t want to cock block anyone.

But, I haven’t find anyone to like in so long I forgot what a crush feels like, even if I have a crush now, I probably won’t notice it.

I am saving that “best friend” spot just for my future girl. Just someone to talk to, someone to have fun with, someone to relax with, someone to share stuff with.

I wonder why I’m ranting all this.

Maybe now I’m just frustrated that I can talk to no one.

So maybe that’s why I blog.

So maybe that’s why I’m procrastinating on my homework due at 12pm tomorrow.

Why do I even think so much?

Is it normal to think this much?

Maybe I’m just sick of talking to people?

I really think children are so much more interesting to talk to.







It's been some time since I had a new post, and since so many stuff happened, 
I think I should start writing it down here before I forget what I was going to write about.
Currently as I began this post, I am in San Diego, courtesy of a certain driver, with good company. 
Now I am in a "friend's friend who might as well become my friend"'s house 
building looking at a friend building a computer.
There is so much to write about.
So here's a conversation from this morning in a hostel.
G:	Ideas for your blog? Write about your first world problems as a colle
ge student and compare them to the floods in bangkok and hurricane rina
G:	:P
G:	Or study for midterms, that's cool too
MakDaddy:	hmm
MakDaddy:	lol
MakDaddy:	that would be interesting to write about
G:	You can write about the OccupyOakland assult
MakDaddy:	but...
MakDaddy:	i'm at
G:	on the veteran
MakDaddy:	SD
MakDaddy:	oh
MakDaddy:	i saw that
MakDaddy:	and i was like
MakDaddy:	wtf
G:	you should put a note on your blog so you remember to blog about it
G:	i'm sure you ahve something to say
G:	:P
G:	otherwise your blog will die
G:	ahaha
MakDaddy:	lol
MakDaddy:	yeah...
After this conversation, I thought about what I could write. I immediately copied and pasted the convo somewhere so I can restate it here, and wrote down words of what I would write.
I realize that I have so much stuff to write about that I doubt I can condense everything into one comprehensible coherent post.
So I will not talk about Hurricane Rina and Floods Bangkok, but about the childhood dreams that I had, and the very possibilities of me fulfilling them.

A couple of days ago, one of the Economic Adviser sent me a e-mail regarding TeachforAmerica thing. There was a quote on it. It said something about how children's futures are determined by their zip codes rather than their hard work or talents and aspirations. 
I didn't think too much about children in the inner cities before I read that quote. All I remember was I always felt that I've been too blessed, too relaxed, and I want to share and give away these blessings that I have. I just haven't been able to find a good opportunity to give them out.
So I decide to apply. Shortly after I began my application, I got a e-mail from one of the recruiters to set up an informal phone meeting with me. That night I tried to finish all the application in one sitting, I wrote my letter of intent, my resume, and all the rest of the stuff that they need.
I finished at 7am in the morning, and talked to that person at like 1:37pm that day. I woke up exactly when she called, so my voice was really weird, but overall I think I had a nice conversation with her, I found out more about it as I talked to her, I also found what I really think as I go through the whole process.
I know how much the education system is screwed up, I know how much segregation still goes on today, I am well aware of these issues, but I can't really do much about it, at least while I'm still not graduated yet.
So for my first job after graduating, maybe I can start making a difference in children's lives. 
There was once in my life time when I thought about being a teacher, and that was when I was a kindergartener who didn't care about money or anything, but just fun, and I pretended to be a teacher and stuff too lol.
Maybe I subconsciously really wanted to become a teacher. What I'm really hoping for is, after couple of years, I may be promoted and eventually be able to get to a position of power to change things around. 

There are also lots of other potential jobs that I want to do too. A diplomat, a choir conductor, an entrepreneur, chairman of China's "communist party", a talent scout, an owner of an entertainment company, a don, a writer.
I think those are pretty hard to get, especially the chairman of China. Who knows though, I still don't see my roof yet. My AP U.S. history teacher once told me, as I grow older, I will be reaching a roof where I will be stuck in.
I can definitely see where I will not be going, I definitely don't want to do any science and engineering work. I also don't really want any monotonous job either. Anything else is a fair game, as long as the job is sufficient enough for me to live, while I'm still single, then it's good.
If I'm not single, I will probably attempt to look for higher paying job, until that time comes, I can work in those things. I think my first opportunity to do a real job is from that Teach for America thing.
In additional to salary, it also gives me 2 years deterance from student loans. I would have to teach for at least 2 years, but I think I may teach longer if I like it.
I thought I would talk more about my childhood dreams but I am not in the mood to talk about it. I am more than hungry, after coming back from So Cal.

One of the top reason for me want to teach is because I want to be in LA, in the inner city of LA behind all the glamour and entertainment industry is a city stricken with poverty. And food.
I can do something meaningful and eat good at the same time.

I will talk about Hostel and stuff next time because I think this post is way too long. Why would anyone read this?

I feel like I could have talked more about why I decided to apply for Teach for America, but... I will elaborate more on my next post. There was something on my mind, but I misplaced it. Until I get in that mood I won't be able to find it for a while.

Next Up on my blog post will be about...