I’m writing this so one day I can look back and see how I got to to the point where I will be, if I lose my memories one day, this is where it’ll be.
Depending on how well people know me, inevitably, they’ll see something strange about me
Something not regular, abnormal, different from others.
Maybe it’s just this part of my personality that makes the entirety of me.
Ever since I was conscious, there is this strange feeling that I don’t belong. When I was first exposed to people aka family, aka kindergarten, there was a time when I fought that feeling, and I wanted to conform to people and their patterns, because that was all I knew, I can’t do what I don’t know. There was this feeling to be like everyone else because that’s what I thought growing up is as a child: being a part of my family, being in my friend’s group, being in my class, etc… different groups of community basically.
I can say I’m comfortable in those groups, I can say I have fun in those groups, I can say I work well (from others perspective) in those groups. Although I’ve never really felt I belong in any of those groups: family, friends, classmates, any type of human relation. I’ve never felt like I’m attached to anyone, although people probably feel attached to me.
That is not to say I don’t trust people, I enjoy my friends and family and I would easily give my life for them, perhaps even for strangers because I’m about as attached to my friends and family as much as the random dog walker, it’s just a matter of how much others are attached to me.
Then there’s a whole new tangent of how I value my life, but that’s another story.
When I moved to America, I couldn’t speak to anyone at school. I think it’s part of the reason why my talking/speaking process is really slow; it never really took off. My command of language (talking-wise) seems to be at the level of an advanced fourth grader. My mind is a different story though, my mind is an everlasting storm cloud in my brain. Why are people satisfied with normality? Why are people satisfied with comfort and stability? They are nice things, but nice is not good enough for me. There is good, and there is great, and there is the greatest. Until I’m the greatest, there’s no reason to stay in the level of “good”.
But there’s probably no way I can be the greatest, so there’s always new ways, new thinking.
That’s why I don’t ever feel like I belong with people. I don’t want to follow after limited people, I want to be limitless.
That’s where Jesus comes in. He is limitless, and by knowing Him, I am limitless too. Obviously there is so much more I need to work on, because I was born limited, constrained, chained, enslaved by sin: the world, the flesh, and Satan. With Jesus, I am free to be limitless as all people should be.
Without Jesus, I don’t think I would have any morality at all. Remember I don’t feel any attachment to anyone and anything. If I give in to my desires, I would conquer the world.
My ambition is world domination. The reason I use the word “is” because even after knowing Jesus, it is still my ambition, but it’s a different way of conquering than conventional thinking.
Quoting Napoleon on Jesus, “I know men and I tell you that Jesus Christ is no mere man. Between Him and every other person in the world there is no possible term of comparison. Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, and I have founded empires. But on what did we rest the creation of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded His empire upon love; and at this hour millions of men would die for Him.”
This is how I want to conquer the world.
I love Jesus, so I want to expand His Kingdom, by His ways, by His rules. His ways are limitless compare to the ways of man.
So following Jesus makes me limitless.
Now where does the attachmentless me come in?
I’ve figured it out.
Because I don’t belong to anyone, I can be with anyone.
My AP US History teacher once said, “As you grow older, you’ll see the ceiling will get closer and closer to you,”
It is true, when I was alone.
But when I knew God, I have overcame those limits and those barriers. My mind is free when I focus on God.
The only time when I get influenced by other things is when I look away from God. Those are the times when I screw up.
But God always draws me back to him because he is faithful when I am not.
So yup, my Makness, my freedom, my reason and vision began when Jesus came to me.
I am still me, but merely a limitless version of me, because I let someone limitless influence me.
I want people to see Jesus when they see me, because I’m just a fragment of the whole, and they like what they see in me, I hope they’ll find the whole.