The feeling of dying

Have you wonder what it felt like dying?

Even though I think I am ready to die, when dying actually happens, while my mind is calm, my body reacts in panic. It feels unsettling, but it feels as though I’m watching myself from a tv.

I think I’m more prepared now after getting a little taste. But the little taste I have is really nothing compare to the real thing. Even now, I don’t know how my body will react, but I already have the muscle memory for it now so it shouldn’t be much worse.

Being able to use yourself as a shield from bullets require a little bit luck. I mean bullets are pretty fast. It’s like defending a penalty kick, you need to commit to blocking one side or another.

I wish I meet someone that’s my type of crazy.

Yeah, I’m kinda crazy.

Why Mak is Mak

I’m writing this so one day I can look back and see how I got to to the point where I will be, if I lose my memories one day, this is where it’ll be.

Depending on how well people know me, inevitably, they’ll see something strange about me

Something not regular, abnormal, different from others.

Maybe it’s just this part of my personality that makes the entirety of me.

Ever since I was conscious, there is this strange feeling that I don’t belong. When I was first exposed to people aka family, aka kindergarten, there was a time when I fought that feeling, and I wanted to conform to people and their patterns, because that was all I knew, I can’t do what I don’t know. There was this feeling to be like everyone else because that’s what I thought growing up is as a child: being a part of my family, being in my friend’s group, being in my class, etc… different groups of community basically.

I can say I’m comfortable in those groups, I can say I have fun in those groups, I can say I work well (from others perspective) in those groups. Although I’ve never really felt I belong in any of those groups: family, friends, classmates, any type of human relation. I’ve never felt like I’m attached to anyone, although people probably feel attached to me. 

That is not to say I don’t trust people, I enjoy my friends and family and I would easily give my life for them, perhaps even for strangers because I’m about as attached to my friends and family as much as the random dog walker, it’s just a matter of how much others are attached to me.

Then there’s a whole new tangent of how I value my life, but that’s another story.

When I moved to America, I couldn’t speak to anyone at school. I think it’s part of the reason why my talking/speaking process is really slow; it never really took off. My command of language (talking-wise) seems to be at the level of an advanced fourth grader. My mind is a different story though, my mind is an everlasting storm cloud in my brain. Why are people satisfied with normality? Why are people satisfied with comfort and stability? They are nice things, but nice is not good enough for me. There is good, and there is great, and there is the greatest. Until I’m the greatest, there’s no reason to stay in the level of “good”.

But there’s probably no way I can be the greatest, so there’s always new ways, new thinking. 

That’s why I don’t ever feel like I belong with people. I don’t want to follow after limited people, I want to be limitless. 

That’s where Jesus comes in. He is limitless, and by knowing Him, I am limitless too. Obviously there is so much more I need to work on, because I was born limited, constrained, chained, enslaved by sin: the world, the flesh, and Satan. With Jesus, I am free to be limitless as all people should be. 

Without Jesus, I don’t think I would have any morality at all. Remember I don’t feel any attachment to anyone and anything. If I give in to my desires, I would conquer the world. 

My ambition is world domination. The reason I use the word “is” because even after knowing Jesus, it is still my ambition, but it’s a different way of conquering than conventional thinking.

Quoting Napoleon on Jesus, “I know men and I tell you that Jesus Christ is no mere man. Between Him and every other person in the world there is no possible term of comparison. Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, and I have founded empires. But on what did we rest the creation of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded His empire upon love; and at this hour millions of men would die for Him.”

This is how I want to conquer the world.

I love Jesus, so I want to expand His Kingdom, by His ways, by His rules. His ways are limitless compare to the ways of man. 

So following Jesus makes me limitless.

Now where does the attachmentless me come in?

I’ve figured it out.  

Because I don’t belong to anyone, I can be with anyone.

My AP US History teacher once said, “As you grow older, you’ll see the ceiling will get closer and closer to you,”

It is true, when I was alone.

But when I knew God, I have overcame those limits and those barriers. My mind is free when I focus on God.

The only time when I get influenced by other things is when I look away from God. Those are the times when I screw up.

But God always draws me back to him because he is faithful when I am not.

So yup, my Makness, my freedom, my reason and vision began when Jesus came to me.

I am still me, but merely a limitless version of me, because I let someone limitless influence me. 

I want people to see Jesus when they see me, because I’m just a fragment of the whole, and they like what they see in me, I hope they’ll find the whole.

 

 

Fun story happened sometime ago

This popped into my mind again recently, maybe it’s something fun for you to read.

Me and my friend were chilling at a boba place.

Two girls walked in, being very intimate with each other, sat at the table behind left of the coach I was sitting on.

My friend was on another coach facing them, asks me “Hey you think they’re lesbian?”

Me: “Who knows? Doesn’t matter.”

Me and my friend started talking about something else. Then the girls left.

Then my friend told me, “You know that girl, she was hecka staring at you.”

Me: “Well I guess she isn’t lesbian kekeke”

Next

I haven’t been writing as much lately due to lack of time and other priorities.

My life has gotten much more interesting lately. I can’t neither say if it’s good nor bad, because it really depends on perspective.

“Bad” situations doesn’t really seem to be bad. I became numb to worry because while having these unfortunate situations, I am constantly reminded “God is with me” by little things that seems insignificant to the outside observer.

And so I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal, living 2 Corinthians 4:18.

Having bad situations makes me more appreciative of the good things I have. Though I may not see the whole picture, I don’t need to see it because I already know.

It’s akin to shooting a basketball and start walking back because I know I made it without needing to see it.

Intuition.

Oh I had another moment where reality happened as I dreamed it. I dreamt about being in a conference and reading a book and reading about the speakers, I read that book last thursday, same color, same style. In my dream, I knew Francis Chan was speaking there as well, and he is there in reality, in fact he probably finished speaking just about now, because he was speaking in 10:00 am.

Those deja vu moments.. I wonder what dreams I have will come true?

What’s next?

Gonna nap on it