Just because

I see many choices coming my way. 

I’m not sure if I’m worrying about it.

What does worrying feel like? Is it supposed to feel frustrating?

Is my mind so occupied with it?

I am confused, I would think I am in a situation where people would feel anxious and feel crazy.

But no,

I am crazy.

So I don’t know how to worry.

Just because people worry doesn’t mean I have to worry with them.

One of my goals in life, is to make the people around me not worry.

All it takes is a perception change.

Instead of relying on themselves, there is someone who will never fail.

It’s funny, because God is always almost late, yet is never late.

In short, God comes through at exactly the perfect right time.

Of course it’s going to mess around with what people are thinking, because we can’t understand the level where God is thinking.

So I wait.

In this time of so many options and choices, I wait.

Just because I am already free.

Either I’m crazy, or most other people are crazy.

Is it crazy to not worry or crazy to worry?

Whatever, I need to sleep 🙂

Evade tricks yo

 

 

Blanking out

There are times when I don’t feel anything

I am conscious of what’s happening around me, but I’m not doing anything.

Not sure if this is what they called my brain shutting down?

Whatever it is, it’s happening more lately. It’s a type of tiredness, but it’s not limited to bodily tiredness.

Maybe my mind wants to block off everything and rest.

There hasn’t been much opportunity for me to rest. Mainly due to responsibilities I have, I have little time of my own.

I think it’s time to be a bit more aggressive with my schedule…

I need to aggressively seek rest.

I miss those days when I can lie in the bed all day, just thinking and dreaming and planning, passing by everything else.

Unleashing the sleeping beast soon

Transition

I feel a transition is coming soon. I’ve been in this uncomfortable place for a while now, and there seem to be a new direction coming my way.

Have you ever notice some uncontrollable variables in your life starts to to mold the way you’re living?

I think I’m seeing that.

For a while now, my schedule’s been quite full. I’m seeing the checkpoint of this tunnel. I will soon arrive at a place of rest. I won’t stay there very long, but merely enough to get myself refreshed and prepped for the next stage I’ll be heading towards.

As I’m typing this, I’m fixing my 17inch laptop. Hopefully it’ll work this time around.

There has been so many things in this period where things are just not working the way I want it to work.

Alas, the system recovery failed.It looks like I have to try the safe mode again and repair the start up.

This period of time taught me the importance of actively finding rest.

Rest does not come to you, you have to go for it. Rest is something to be pursued.

Contrary to popular beliefs, rest is a difficult thing to pursue and grasp.

To truely be at rest, one must have be able to ignore worries and solely rest.

In school or work, modern society made them very pushy and made people unable to rest.

I’m repairing my computer again, hopefully it’ll work this time around.

Rest is so good. It lets one think, about what happened, about what next.

In my case, I can dream wonderful dreams where no Hollywood movie has ever gone before.

I should really become a movie director. Or perhaps a full time writer.

I guess I might make my own website.

I am good at working for other people, but I think I’ll do better getting something started.

Entrepreneurship, making my blood boil since forever.

If you can describe yourself from birth to now, what would you use?

I know many people asked this question before, but I’m adding one extra detail:

This word must consistently describe you from your birth to what you are today.

This makes things much harder, doesn’t it?

Speaking for myself, I have to say I’ve been born an “outlander” from birth.

I pick this word “Outlander” because it occured to me I never was an “inlander”, as I was born in Hong Kong (Inland China, hence the pun).

Outlander also denotes a sense of never belonging, never so rooted in a crowd.

Honestly, I think English is a horrible language and makes the important things too simple. So the word “Outlander” is incomplete; I am so “outlandish” I don’t really belong in any one descriptive word. Of course, my opinion on English is subjective and biased because I understand Chinese, as well as my opinion on my own “outlandish”-ness.

Regarding the language issue, I would rather say “I understand Chinese” than “I am fluent in Chinese” because when I say “I understand Chinese”, I am saying I am so immersed into the Chinese culture it is a part of me.

Yet I am still an outlander.

Yes, I can fit right in, but no, I do not belong there.

This is no mere issue of language or culture either. I feel as though I never really belong to any group of people; I’m always the odd one, not so odd that people avoid me, but odd enough to not belong in the conforming world.

It’s not I don’t want to conform or be like everyone else, but in my observations, people tend to pursue some type of imaginary standard the society, culture, family, has placed on them.

All I like is shiny stuff, and shiny people. That’s my motivation most of the time. When people conform and be like everyone else, they appear to me as mass-manufactured robots. These people have the illusion of being in control, being happy and free, but in reality, they are slaves to the system. This system tells these people what they are supposed to want, what they are supposed to need, and they get those things, but they are worthless in reality.

I think I never gave a sh*t about the system. I simply just don’t care. One of my talent is to completely shut something/someone off. I basically face-palmed the entire system since birth. Except I’ve always liked shiny stuff, and shiny people.

So I like to be shiny as well. When the world is so dull, I have to be shiny, so maybe some of those dull people can become shiny as well, the more shiny people the better.

Is it coincidence this word “Holy” feels really shiny?

The definition of “Holy” is “to be set apart”, which coincides with my definition of “shiny”, which means “to stand out”

I guess that’s why I’ve been attracted to mostly creative and artistic people. When I say “artistic”, I mean “creativity” in certain areas of people’s lives.

It takes an “outlander” to know an “outlander”.

Would I call myself shiny? Yes I would. I can say 95% of the people I know haven’t got to know more than 10% of me.

Because although I am shiny, I am also shy. I’m introverted, but my extroversion (10% of me) overpowers people enough so people think I am extroverted.

That may explain why I am “outlander” , because people simply are too trapped, and it’s hard to see me when my extroversion is that intense when my introversion is even more overwhelming.

Sometimes I feel like a sun: kinda softly glows in the background, but when people stare, they go blind and can’t see anything.

It’s just the way it is since my birth, there hasn’t been anyone similar to me that I have seen. I see bits and pieces of my traits in people, but no one comes close to being similar to me.

I can also see people can become totally shiny too, but they’re enjoying imprisonment too much to care, and also afraid of change.

Location-wise, I’ll always be an “outlander” in the U.S., I’m also an “outlander” to my birthplace Hong Kong, I’m definitely an “outlander” in China, totally “outlander” in Korea, completely “outlander” everywhere else.

Yes, I’m an “outlander” in my family. Everyone is so loud and like to put on a good face and nothing concrete gets done, like most Chinese people. It sickens me, yet they are still my family. One reason I want to avoid Chinese girls. Having one Chinese family is enough.

I choose shiny people as my closest friends, people who stand out in their own way. We are friends because of this commonality: we are all different individuals. While we belong together, we don’t belong together.

There is one exception to this “outlander” thing, but that in essence is “outlander”.

What can be more “outlander” than being a follower of Jesus? than being a Christian?

As a Christian, everyone who does follows Jesus is my brother and sister and mother. It is I mostly belong to and will perfectly belong to when I am finally out of this body I am in.

Christians are called to be the most “outlander” AND the most “shiny”

“Holy” is the word.

I’m so attracted to shiny people; people who stand out just blows me away.

I don’t know if there really is such a person. It might be possible I know her already, but only time will tell. I hope my crush doesn’t last long… I wish it would fade away, unless it’s really going to work out.

I can’t tell yet. I feel like I can only see 10-20%. I want to see the rest sometime before someone else decide to go.

Time really is ticking away.

So damn shiny I wish I didn’t have eyes.

 

 

 

 

Who I was, Who I am, Who I will be

I’m going to use writing to remember who I am, my heritage, who I was, and who I am

Let’s start from birth.

Born in Colonial Hong Kong, as British Overseas Citizen of Her Majesty.

Descendant of the Mak Clan, firstborn of my generation patriarchally.

Kindergarden/Elementary student at an Anglican-affliated public school.

Violinist

Perfect Pitch, Absolute Pitch, Pitch Perfect

Immigrant to the United States,

A foreigner in a foreign land,

One who doesn’t know how to counter “Does your mother know you’re gay?”

A kid at a Chinese Church,

“Jacket-Kid” “Pokefreak” FOB to the max

Pianist

Middle-School, unknowingly teacher’s pet or subconsciously malevolent child?

“Look at Hin, he’s so creative” lolol

“Almost poked his eye out” playing with scissors

Starcraft Orchestrater 🙂

Did I mention saved by Jesus?

High School

Baptized

Secret Admirer for four years lol until I Facebook messaged her

Heartbreaker of 1,2,3,4,5,6? could be more could be less

Choir star

Accompanyist

Keyboardist

Gamer

not so fresh out of boat anymo

US Citizen

Driver

Frenchman

Guitar?

College

Freshman

Floormates

Classmates

Chinatown

the first legit Korean I met who is not too Americanized

Rivalries of Love, probably was only a crush on an imaginary ideal image instead of reality.

Become more Chinese + Taiwanese than ever.

Sophomore

Where did the Koreans come from?

Hyungnim invite Chinese noona, Chinese noona invite me

No crush for a long long time, not even one, completely free.

More and more Chinese, + More and more Korean, + more and more like Jesus

Summer

International Student @ Yonsei

Met someone special, yet not too special looking back

Kimchi-infused, wearing the helmet of bulgogi, breastplate of galbi, shield of jajangmyun, and belt of dukbokgi.

Almost a soonjang?

Almost a voice major?

Almost gtfo of major?

Almost a relationship?

Junior year was a lot of almosts.

Senior

Finishline

Le Presidente de Union de Chinois et Taiwan.

저눈 누구애요?

What is my calling? What can be higher? What’s higher calling?

East Asia it is.

Talk with missionary.

Desire to go.

Worked to make it possible.

Goer

Listener

Messenger

Translater

Master of Ceremonies

Bridge

Singer

Matthew 6:33

Kingdom Seeker

Unemployment

Proverbs 16:8-9

Employment

Intern-ment

Mission-ment -> Thailand -> Blood boiling

Entrepreneur -> Blood boiling

Still Perfect Pitch

Eternity

God’s child

Co-heir with Jesus

Beloved of God

Temple of the Holy Spirit

New Creation

Free

 

 

 

Murphy’s law at its finest

Lately I’ve been experiencing Murphy’s law a lot.

“Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”

Things that are completely out of my control at least, like scanner breaking down, recent medical sicknesses/conditions, black screen of death on my main laptop, speeding ticket at the wrong moment at the wrong time.

And I thought I would expect these things, but obviously, now I know I can’t expect what I don’t know. 

Still, “I will bless the Lord at all times.” Psalms 34:1

Singing and listening to some praise songs remind me of God’s goodness and how He makes everything work together for my good. Even though I’m living on water, Jesus is always there to pick me up.

But seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own.

This verse is not saying there will be no troubles, in fact, it says there will be trouble, but it is teaching how to deal with the troubles that exist. “Do not worry”

I think if there’s anything I’m good at, it would be not worrying, not because I’m ignorant, but I’ve been submerged into God’s provision and my body is dripping wet with this reality, although there are somethings I am concerned about, I do not need to think about it over and over again. I have no need to worry, for God is in control.

Though I’m expecting more unexpected things to happen in the near future, I’ll still be “joyful always” because of what Jesus did for me.

 

 

Everything works together

For my good, God makes it so.

Definitely even more convinced to go to mission.

I kept getting shot at by Satan, even though I already committed, second thoughts came from no where and people who worry.

Isn’t a person’s eternity more important than me getting a job?

Isn’t it emergency that people are going to die without knowing Jesus rather than me getting a secure income?

What can I give up to fulfill this commission Jesus gave to me?

What can I deny to carry the cross daily and follow him?

“Therefore take up the shield of faith and quench the arrows of the evil one”

Consider it quenched.

Thanks to God who directly reveals that and boosts my faith. 

I’m getting closer and closer to Philippians 1:21 

To live is to Christ and to die is to gain.

I even have a will ready on one of my google doc (nonlegally binding cuz I haven’t had any witnesses nor signature on it), that’s how I prepared. Am I fully prepared? Time will tell.

So now I bid adieu for now.

Lately I’ve been having an overflow of emotion and feelings I just have to keep writing, expect stormy weather ahead.

Choices + traveling

Sometimes I wonder if the choices I make are the right choices.

Am I merely doing what I want, or what God wants?

It makes sense I would be facing these choices, it is right on schedule. 

 

Should I wait to be more informed before making some choices, or should I just take step of faith?

Logically I would want to wait, I also know, if I miss the moment, the moment is lost forever. 

Would I regret not doing something or would I regret doing something? This is the conflict.

This applies to multiple things happening right now, and it’s troubling me.

I’m just glad I don’t have to make any decisions yet, but I see these things looming on the horizon. They’re certainly troubling, yet they are also opportunities to build my faith.

It feels as though I really am walking on water, and the waves and wind are growing stronger and stronger as I walk, especially people on the boat where I left yelling “hey, come back to the boat, where it is safe,” it definitely is an attractive option to go back to the boat where I left, but the boat eventually will capsize, where I’m fine walking on water as I’m looking to Jesus. 

I wish I know more water walkers. It seems like everyone else has so much stability, while my circumstances are ever changing.  I feel there’s no one specifically I can follow; there are no role models because “everyone is so much different than me.” 

I wonder if it is a lie I’m saying to myself or maybe it’s just something I have to deal with.

This instability keeps my eyes on Jesus, so that’s the really good thing, it also gives an opportunity for envy to enter my heart, to want to have something I don’t have that someone else has.

Everyone is truly unique, though I don’t seem to fit in any of their uniqueness. Maybe I’m normal and everyone else is weird, not the other way around, or I’m like Australia, being separated from normal people for far too long. That in itself is another story that goes all the way back to my earliest memories as a 2 year old, this feeling of never belonging, drifting away from places to places.

 

Perhaps God made me so I can fit anywhere and everywhere, surely I am by myself, because of that, I can fit everywhere: from the utmost heights to the deepest bottom, from 1st world to 3rd world, from the most sociable person to the most socially awkward person.

 

I do wish I have someone similar to me to be close with me, so far, there are some that come close, but no one I’ve met can take that seat yet. I see people who potentially will, but I haven’t seen it in full fruition yet.

Until then, I remain a traveler, with no one yet able to keep up. I do hope to find someone in the near future. God knows best, and makes everything work together for my good.

That’s why I really like this song Oceans, it’s totally describing my life and my desire.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

 

I want to be at the place where my trust for Jesus is without borders, and I wish I have someone with me who can do the same too.. 

 

That is the number one thing I search for in a girl.. Without this, no one has a chance, so no one had a chance… 

 

 

What does it feel when time does not exist?

I had a dream where time stopped.

Everything just is,

and everything not is not.

My eyes are really fresh, yet my whole body feels as though it’s not my body, almost like I don’t belong in it.

It’s a weird feeling.

Maybe it’s because I’m sore from being sick, and not being able to eat the things I usually eat, I don’t know what to eat.

My mind is really befuddled. I want to have a day off just to lay in my bed and think about all these things that transpired over the last couple days.

I am not sure why I feel the way I do now. It’s not a bad feeling, it’s a weird feeling.

And it’s not merely a weird feeling, it is a multitude of feelings, each equally weird by themselves.

I can almost taste eternity.

One of the most important things for me right now is to rest.

Rest all of me can be used when it is needed.

On Easter, many people who have never stepped into a church their whole life, will go to church. Especially this season, the Catholics getting a new Pope, there are so many things going on, people’s minds are on spiritual things. 

Spiritual battle is happening more transparently and more frequently as the days lead up to Easter, where many dead lives will be raised to life.

I definitely need to be constantly refreshed.

I wish time pauses so I can rest in a nice quiet place.

 

 

Somethings cannot be held back

I almost want to write a poem,

but I don’t have that much brain power nor the patience for it right now.

I have no interest in grammar either

but I’m a little crazy today…

after some sudden revelations,

Waking up, seeing that presence striking me

Early in the morning you drift into my thoughts

What do I do? Wanting to run, but this virus makes muscles sore.

So I just let it be.

What then?

There was a light kindling,

it was strangely light, almost unrecognizable.

Yet it isn’t time, my speech is disabled.

Almost to evade, “it’s a trap”, truth be told,

Randomly it crept to me.

I purposefully evaded for a time, yet it was unavoidable,

as a train cannot move away from its tracks, the tracks led me to a unexpected stop

I hope it’s only a short break.

I dreamt a dream of my blood tested.

My personality revealed, as my blood stirred,

the results came true, as the display showed

as I awaken, I see

lingering in front of me

unavoidable

I am conflicted.

There are different paths I can take.

Being in confusion, I wait once again.

I must see more clearly, once again I investigate,

yet I must admit, I haven’t felt this way for the longest time.

The ice has melted for a little

There is still nothing yet.

Yet it lingers, a kindling

one I avoided to kindle, yet it came…

I’m not complaining about it

but now I have to wait a little longer.

hope the candles were a lie

So what now? What can I do?

I will wait, for the night is near.

Will I be able to see in that night?

I wonder..

Who can fit in the puzzle?

Who can stand in the deep blue?

Who dares to walk on water?

That is what I must see.

The waiting game playing still,

slowly opening the windows,

let it leak in, creep in.