Expectations

Sometimes when I sing, especially in front of people I don’t know well, I have to hold back, because in my perspective, it may trigger negative things for people, such as jealousy, competitiveness, and crazy expectations of. me.

It’s easier to be “average”

To not stand out.

To do so would be to deny myself.

While I don’t try to stand out, I do what I am comfortable doing.

Unless everyone else sucks, then I need to make myself suck, sing really quietly, or not sing at all.

I think this is applicable for lots of people, where they stand out in certain areas so much they want to just hide,

the part of where it stands out, just so people wouldn’t expect so much out of them.

 

This I wonder:

Is it a good thing for people to have crazy expectations? I can see how it gives motivation for me to be better than my “normal”.

I sing better when I have an audience: better sustain, with extra breath, with facial expressions, articulated consonants and vowels more, etc…

Having an audience makes me nervous, or excited, I cannot tell when I’m in the moment, whatever it is, it’s energy I can use to perform.

The bad part about it is it can be pressuring and cumbersome to deal with those expectations, especially unrealistic ones.

I prefer not to deal with it.

On another note, sometimes I wish people would at least sing in the right key the whole way through…

I don’t tolerate bad singing well, I probably won’t say anything, but I’ll cringe and leave/run away.

Please don’t make me sit through it.

 

This reminded me of something more applicable, about the definition of tolerance.

It’s funny how the term “tolerance” changed it’s meaning from earlier times to present day.

Tolerance in this age (at least in America) means freely accepting any views as equally valid (other than the view of not accept other view as valid.)

That is like telling someone who has perfect pitch (aka me) to accept every wrong note as right.

 

To me, since I have perfect pitch, it doesn’t matter if everyone is singing the same way, if they’re all singing wrong, I would know it.

 

I think the right to stand up for what you believe to be true has been diminished because of “tolerance”

 

One cannot simply agree to everything as equally valid, there has to be a true answer, whereas everything else be false, unless the question is an open ended question.

Essentially, to super simplify things, it’s a mere clash of values. One is “every view is equally true”, the other is “only certain things are true”.

 

Then comes the theory of relativity: everything is relative to the perception of where you stand. In theory, it’s true, what is lacking is the theory doesn’t have a defined origin point, where the standard is.

Where is the origin point? Only by seeing the origin, can this theory become a law of science just like law of thermodynamics and physics.

 

So this is where faith comes in: people can only have the origin point by faith, for there exists no empirical evidence on what the origin standard is, the basis of justice, the foundation of morality.

 

A general consensus we should love does exist.

 

Even the definition of love is very different from different culture, but it doesn’t change the fact that people want to be loved.

No law goes against love.

So what is love?

Love is an action, something that takes willpower and decision.

I daresay, try to replace “it” with your name and see where you stand. I can’t stand very well still, but I’m working on it.

 

-Love is patient. (Able to wait without becoming annoyed or anxious. uncomplaining – long-suffering – enduring – tolerant)

-Love is kind. (having a friendly, generous, and considerate nature)

-It does not envy. (Desire to have a quality, possession, or other attribute belonging to someone else)

-It does not boast. (It does not Talk with excessive pride and self-satisfaction about one’s achievements, possessions, or abilities.)

It is not proud. (Feeling or showing pride, haughty – arrogant – lofty – supercilious – conceited, as though it’s something more important than everything else)

It does not dishonor others (It is not rude: Offensively impolite or ill-mannered)

It is not self-seeking. (not thinking self as any lower, but thinking everyone else as higher)

It is not easily angered. (ties with being patient)

It keeps no records of wrongs. (ties with being patient, being able to forgive, as an action of will)

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. (evil is the absence of good: lies, cheats, rudeness, etc…)

It always protects. (keep safe from harm)

It always trusts. (Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of.)

It always hopes. ( feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen)

It always perseveres. (Continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no indication of success.)

Love never fails. (fail is the absence of success, not the opposite)

 

Ok now do that to everyone you know? From your professor, to your boss, to your co-workers, classmate, family, friends, enemies, random hobo, paperboy, mailman, etc….

 

If you can’t at least do that, well… no one can love like that all the time.

 

But that doesn’t mean we are not supposed love like that all the time.

 

God does love like that all the time to everyone.

So why does evil exist? Why is this world broken?

Because of the lack of love.

Because of the absence of good.

Because of the withdrawal from the All-Good God.

 

Love means to tolerate.

If one knows the truth, he/she must tell it, otherwise he/she will be lying, not only to others, but to him/herself.

Tolerance does not mean to accept everything as equally valid. It means to be sympathetic to people who does not see the same way as you do.

One step higher is love.

Love compels those who knows truth must tell it to those who does not know, regardless of those who do not know may feel about truth while sympathizing to people who does not see the way you do.

 

So let’s love a little bit more.

 

Now I remember a prayer I prayed, about giving the best years of my life to God. Everything makes sense, God gave me opportunities to seek first the Kingdom and His righteousness, now I wait for “all these things will be given to you”

 

So definitely no girl for me, until God wakes me up like he did with Adam.

What I’m praying for:

1. Someone who is not anxious in anything, but in everything through prayer and petition

2. Someone who does not cap me, but push me farther towards God

3. Please sing in tune

4. Someone who will not be overwhelmed by me

5. Intensely Shiny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you can describe yourself from birth to now, what would you use?

I know many people asked this question before, but I’m adding one extra detail:

This word must consistently describe you from your birth to what you are today.

This makes things much harder, doesn’t it?

Speaking for myself, I have to say I’ve been born an “outlander” from birth.

I pick this word “Outlander” because it occured to me I never was an “inlander”, as I was born in Hong Kong (Inland China, hence the pun).

Outlander also denotes a sense of never belonging, never so rooted in a crowd.

Honestly, I think English is a horrible language and makes the important things too simple. So the word “Outlander” is incomplete; I am so “outlandish” I don’t really belong in any one descriptive word. Of course, my opinion on English is subjective and biased because I understand Chinese, as well as my opinion on my own “outlandish”-ness.

Regarding the language issue, I would rather say “I understand Chinese” than “I am fluent in Chinese” because when I say “I understand Chinese”, I am saying I am so immersed into the Chinese culture it is a part of me.

Yet I am still an outlander.

Yes, I can fit right in, but no, I do not belong there.

This is no mere issue of language or culture either. I feel as though I never really belong to any group of people; I’m always the odd one, not so odd that people avoid me, but odd enough to not belong in the conforming world.

It’s not I don’t want to conform or be like everyone else, but in my observations, people tend to pursue some type of imaginary standard the society, culture, family, has placed on them.

All I like is shiny stuff, and shiny people. That’s my motivation most of the time. When people conform and be like everyone else, they appear to me as mass-manufactured robots. These people have the illusion of being in control, being happy and free, but in reality, they are slaves to the system. This system tells these people what they are supposed to want, what they are supposed to need, and they get those things, but they are worthless in reality.

I think I never gave a sh*t about the system. I simply just don’t care. One of my talent is to completely shut something/someone off. I basically face-palmed the entire system since birth. Except I’ve always liked shiny stuff, and shiny people.

So I like to be shiny as well. When the world is so dull, I have to be shiny, so maybe some of those dull people can become shiny as well, the more shiny people the better.

Is it coincidence this word “Holy” feels really shiny?

The definition of “Holy” is “to be set apart”, which coincides with my definition of “shiny”, which means “to stand out”

I guess that’s why I’ve been attracted to mostly creative and artistic people. When I say “artistic”, I mean “creativity” in certain areas of people’s lives.

It takes an “outlander” to know an “outlander”.

Would I call myself shiny? Yes I would. I can say 95% of the people I know haven’t got to know more than 10% of me.

Because although I am shiny, I am also shy. I’m introverted, but my extroversion (10% of me) overpowers people enough so people think I am extroverted.

That may explain why I am “outlander” , because people simply are too trapped, and it’s hard to see me when my extroversion is that intense when my introversion is even more overwhelming.

Sometimes I feel like a sun: kinda softly glows in the background, but when people stare, they go blind and can’t see anything.

It’s just the way it is since my birth, there hasn’t been anyone similar to me that I have seen. I see bits and pieces of my traits in people, but no one comes close to being similar to me.

I can also see people can become totally shiny too, but they’re enjoying imprisonment too much to care, and also afraid of change.

Location-wise, I’ll always be an “outlander” in the U.S., I’m also an “outlander” to my birthplace Hong Kong, I’m definitely an “outlander” in China, totally “outlander” in Korea, completely “outlander” everywhere else.

Yes, I’m an “outlander” in my family. Everyone is so loud and like to put on a good face and nothing concrete gets done, like most Chinese people. It sickens me, yet they are still my family. One reason I want to avoid Chinese girls. Having one Chinese family is enough.

I choose shiny people as my closest friends, people who stand out in their own way. We are friends because of this commonality: we are all different individuals. While we belong together, we don’t belong together.

There is one exception to this “outlander” thing, but that in essence is “outlander”.

What can be more “outlander” than being a follower of Jesus? than being a Christian?

As a Christian, everyone who does follows Jesus is my brother and sister and mother. It is I mostly belong to and will perfectly belong to when I am finally out of this body I am in.

Christians are called to be the most “outlander” AND the most “shiny”

“Holy” is the word.

I’m so attracted to shiny people; people who stand out just blows me away.

I don’t know if there really is such a person. It might be possible I know her already, but only time will tell. I hope my crush doesn’t last long… I wish it would fade away, unless it’s really going to work out.

I can’t tell yet. I feel like I can only see 10-20%. I want to see the rest sometime before someone else decide to go.

Time really is ticking away.

So damn shiny I wish I didn’t have eyes.