Why Mak is Mak

I’m writing this so one day I can look back and see how I got to to the point where I will be, if I lose my memories one day, this is where it’ll be.

Depending on how well people know me, inevitably, they’ll see something strange about me

Something not regular, abnormal, different from others.

Maybe it’s just this part of my personality that makes the entirety of me.

Ever since I was conscious, there is this strange feeling that I don’t belong. When I was first exposed to people aka family, aka kindergarten, there was a time when I fought that feeling, and I wanted to conform to people and their patterns, because that was all I knew, I can’t do what I don’t know. There was this feeling to be like everyone else because that’s what I thought growing up is as a child: being a part of my family, being in my friend’s group, being in my class, etc… different groups of community basically.

I can say I’m comfortable in those groups, I can say I have fun in those groups, I can say I work well (from others perspective) in those groups. Although I’ve never really felt I belong in any of those groups: family, friends, classmates, any type of human relation. I’ve never felt like I’m attached to anyone, although people probably feel attached to me. 

That is not to say I don’t trust people, I enjoy my friends and family and I would easily give my life for them, perhaps even for strangers because I’m about as attached to my friends and family as much as the random dog walker, it’s just a matter of how much others are attached to me.

Then there’s a whole new tangent of how I value my life, but that’s another story.

When I moved to America, I couldn’t speak to anyone at school. I think it’s part of the reason why my talking/speaking process is really slow; it never really took off. My command of language (talking-wise) seems to be at the level of an advanced fourth grader. My mind is a different story though, my mind is an everlasting storm cloud in my brain. Why are people satisfied with normality? Why are people satisfied with comfort and stability? They are nice things, but nice is not good enough for me. There is good, and there is great, and there is the greatest. Until I’m the greatest, there’s no reason to stay in the level of “good”.

But there’s probably no way I can be the greatest, so there’s always new ways, new thinking. 

That’s why I don’t ever feel like I belong with people. I don’t want to follow after limited people, I want to be limitless. 

That’s where Jesus comes in. He is limitless, and by knowing Him, I am limitless too. Obviously there is so much more I need to work on, because I was born limited, constrained, chained, enslaved by sin: the world, the flesh, and Satan. With Jesus, I am free to be limitless as all people should be. 

Without Jesus, I don’t think I would have any morality at all. Remember I don’t feel any attachment to anyone and anything. If I give in to my desires, I would conquer the world. 

My ambition is world domination. The reason I use the word “is” because even after knowing Jesus, it is still my ambition, but it’s a different way of conquering than conventional thinking.

Quoting Napoleon on Jesus, “I know men and I tell you that Jesus Christ is no mere man. Between Him and every other person in the world there is no possible term of comparison. Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, and I have founded empires. But on what did we rest the creation of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded His empire upon love; and at this hour millions of men would die for Him.”

This is how I want to conquer the world.

I love Jesus, so I want to expand His Kingdom, by His ways, by His rules. His ways are limitless compare to the ways of man. 

So following Jesus makes me limitless.

Now where does the attachmentless me come in?

I’ve figured it out.  

Because I don’t belong to anyone, I can be with anyone.

My AP US History teacher once said, “As you grow older, you’ll see the ceiling will get closer and closer to you,”

It is true, when I was alone.

But when I knew God, I have overcame those limits and those barriers. My mind is free when I focus on God.

The only time when I get influenced by other things is when I look away from God. Those are the times when I screw up.

But God always draws me back to him because he is faithful when I am not.

So yup, my Makness, my freedom, my reason and vision began when Jesus came to me.

I am still me, but merely a limitless version of me, because I let someone limitless influence me. 

I want people to see Jesus when they see me, because I’m just a fragment of the whole, and they like what they see in me, I hope they’ll find the whole.

 

 

Expectations

Sometimes when I sing, especially in front of people I don’t know well, I have to hold back, because in my perspective, it may trigger negative things for people, such as jealousy, competitiveness, and crazy expectations of. me.

It’s easier to be “average”

To not stand out.

To do so would be to deny myself.

While I don’t try to stand out, I do what I am comfortable doing.

Unless everyone else sucks, then I need to make myself suck, sing really quietly, or not sing at all.

I think this is applicable for lots of people, where they stand out in certain areas so much they want to just hide,

the part of where it stands out, just so people wouldn’t expect so much out of them.

 

This I wonder:

Is it a good thing for people to have crazy expectations? I can see how it gives motivation for me to be better than my “normal”.

I sing better when I have an audience: better sustain, with extra breath, with facial expressions, articulated consonants and vowels more, etc…

Having an audience makes me nervous, or excited, I cannot tell when I’m in the moment, whatever it is, it’s energy I can use to perform.

The bad part about it is it can be pressuring and cumbersome to deal with those expectations, especially unrealistic ones.

I prefer not to deal with it.

On another note, sometimes I wish people would at least sing in the right key the whole way through…

I don’t tolerate bad singing well, I probably won’t say anything, but I’ll cringe and leave/run away.

Please don’t make me sit through it.

 

This reminded me of something more applicable, about the definition of tolerance.

It’s funny how the term “tolerance” changed it’s meaning from earlier times to present day.

Tolerance in this age (at least in America) means freely accepting any views as equally valid (other than the view of not accept other view as valid.)

That is like telling someone who has perfect pitch (aka me) to accept every wrong note as right.

 

To me, since I have perfect pitch, it doesn’t matter if everyone is singing the same way, if they’re all singing wrong, I would know it.

 

I think the right to stand up for what you believe to be true has been diminished because of “tolerance”

 

One cannot simply agree to everything as equally valid, there has to be a true answer, whereas everything else be false, unless the question is an open ended question.

Essentially, to super simplify things, it’s a mere clash of values. One is “every view is equally true”, the other is “only certain things are true”.

 

Then comes the theory of relativity: everything is relative to the perception of where you stand. In theory, it’s true, what is lacking is the theory doesn’t have a defined origin point, where the standard is.

Where is the origin point? Only by seeing the origin, can this theory become a law of science just like law of thermodynamics and physics.

 

So this is where faith comes in: people can only have the origin point by faith, for there exists no empirical evidence on what the origin standard is, the basis of justice, the foundation of morality.

 

A general consensus we should love does exist.

 

Even the definition of love is very different from different culture, but it doesn’t change the fact that people want to be loved.

No law goes against love.

So what is love?

Love is an action, something that takes willpower and decision.

I daresay, try to replace “it” with your name and see where you stand. I can’t stand very well still, but I’m working on it.

 

-Love is patient. (Able to wait without becoming annoyed or anxious. uncomplaining – long-suffering – enduring – tolerant)

-Love is kind. (having a friendly, generous, and considerate nature)

-It does not envy. (Desire to have a quality, possession, or other attribute belonging to someone else)

-It does not boast. (It does not Talk with excessive pride and self-satisfaction about one’s achievements, possessions, or abilities.)

It is not proud. (Feeling or showing pride, haughty – arrogant – lofty – supercilious – conceited, as though it’s something more important than everything else)

It does not dishonor others (It is not rude: Offensively impolite or ill-mannered)

It is not self-seeking. (not thinking self as any lower, but thinking everyone else as higher)

It is not easily angered. (ties with being patient)

It keeps no records of wrongs. (ties with being patient, being able to forgive, as an action of will)

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. (evil is the absence of good: lies, cheats, rudeness, etc…)

It always protects. (keep safe from harm)

It always trusts. (Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of.)

It always hopes. ( feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen)

It always perseveres. (Continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no indication of success.)

Love never fails. (fail is the absence of success, not the opposite)

 

Ok now do that to everyone you know? From your professor, to your boss, to your co-workers, classmate, family, friends, enemies, random hobo, paperboy, mailman, etc….

 

If you can’t at least do that, well… no one can love like that all the time.

 

But that doesn’t mean we are not supposed love like that all the time.

 

God does love like that all the time to everyone.

So why does evil exist? Why is this world broken?

Because of the lack of love.

Because of the absence of good.

Because of the withdrawal from the All-Good God.

 

Love means to tolerate.

If one knows the truth, he/she must tell it, otherwise he/she will be lying, not only to others, but to him/herself.

Tolerance does not mean to accept everything as equally valid. It means to be sympathetic to people who does not see the same way as you do.

One step higher is love.

Love compels those who knows truth must tell it to those who does not know, regardless of those who do not know may feel about truth while sympathizing to people who does not see the way you do.

 

So let’s love a little bit more.

 

Now I remember a prayer I prayed, about giving the best years of my life to God. Everything makes sense, God gave me opportunities to seek first the Kingdom and His righteousness, now I wait for “all these things will be given to you”

 

So definitely no girl for me, until God wakes me up like he did with Adam.

What I’m praying for:

1. Someone who is not anxious in anything, but in everything through prayer and petition

2. Someone who does not cap me, but push me farther towards God

3. Please sing in tune

4. Someone who will not be overwhelmed by me

5. Intensely Shiny