Expectations

Sometimes when I sing, especially in front of people I don’t know well, I have to hold back, because in my perspective, it may trigger negative things for people, such as jealousy, competitiveness, and crazy expectations of. me.

It’s easier to be “average”

To not stand out.

To do so would be to deny myself.

While I don’t try to stand out, I do what I am comfortable doing.

Unless everyone else sucks, then I need to make myself suck, sing really quietly, or not sing at all.

I think this is applicable for lots of people, where they stand out in certain areas so much they want to just hide,

the part of where it stands out, just so people wouldn’t expect so much out of them.

 

This I wonder:

Is it a good thing for people to have crazy expectations? I can see how it gives motivation for me to be better than my “normal”.

I sing better when I have an audience: better sustain, with extra breath, with facial expressions, articulated consonants and vowels more, etc…

Having an audience makes me nervous, or excited, I cannot tell when I’m in the moment, whatever it is, it’s energy I can use to perform.

The bad part about it is it can be pressuring and cumbersome to deal with those expectations, especially unrealistic ones.

I prefer not to deal with it.

On another note, sometimes I wish people would at least sing in the right key the whole way through…

I don’t tolerate bad singing well, I probably won’t say anything, but I’ll cringe and leave/run away.

Please don’t make me sit through it.

 

This reminded me of something more applicable, about the definition of tolerance.

It’s funny how the term “tolerance” changed it’s meaning from earlier times to present day.

Tolerance in this age (at least in America) means freely accepting any views as equally valid (other than the view of not accept other view as valid.)

That is like telling someone who has perfect pitch (aka me) to accept every wrong note as right.

 

To me, since I have perfect pitch, it doesn’t matter if everyone is singing the same way, if they’re all singing wrong, I would know it.

 

I think the right to stand up for what you believe to be true has been diminished because of “tolerance”

 

One cannot simply agree to everything as equally valid, there has to be a true answer, whereas everything else be false, unless the question is an open ended question.

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Essentially, to super simplify things, it’s a mere clash of values. One is “every view is equally true”, the other is “only certain things are true”.

 

Then comes the theory of relativity: everything is relative to the perception of where you stand. In theory, it’s true, what is lacking is the theory doesn’t have a defined origin point, where the standard is.

Where is the origin point? Only by seeing the origin, can this theory become a law of science just like law of thermodynamics and physics.

 

So this is where faith comes in: people can only have the origin point by faith, for there exists no empirical evidence on what the origin standard is, the basis of justice, the foundation of morality.

 

A general consensus we should love does exist.

 

Even the definition of love is very different from different culture, but it doesn’t change the fact that people want to be loved.

No law goes against love.

So what is love?

Love is an action, something that takes willpower and decision.

I daresay, try to replace “it” with your name and see where you stand. I can’t stand very well still, but I’m working on it.

 

-Love is patient. (Able to wait without becoming annoyed or anxious. uncomplaining – long-suffering – enduring – tolerant)

-Love is kind. (having a friendly, generous, and considerate nature)

-It does not envy. (Desire to have a quality, possession, or other attribute belonging to someone else)

-It does not boast. (It does not Talk with excessive pride and self-satisfaction about one’s achievements, possessions, or abilities.)

It is not proud. (Feeling or showing pride, haughty – arrogant – lofty – supercilious – conceited, as though it’s something more important than everything else)

It does not dishonor others (It is not rude: Offensively impolite or ill-mannered)

It is not self-seeking. (not thinking self as any lower, but thinking everyone else as higher)

It is not easily angered. (ties with being patient)

It keeps no records of wrongs. (ties with being patient, being able to forgive, as an action of will)

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. (evil is the absence of good: lies, cheats, rudeness, etc…)

It always protects. (keep safe from harm)

It always trusts. (Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of.)

It always hopes. ( feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen)

It always perseveres. (Continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no indication of success.)

Love never fails. (fail is the absence of success, not the opposite)

 

Ok now do that to everyone you know? From your professor, to your boss, to your co-workers, classmate, family, friends, enemies, random hobo, paperboy, mailman, etc….

 

If you can’t at least do that, well… no one can love like that all the time.

 

But that doesn’t mean we are not supposed love like that all the time.

 

God does love like that all the time to everyone.

So why does evil exist? Why is this world broken?

Because of the lack of love.

Because of the absence of good.

Because of the withdrawal from the All-Good God.

 

Love means to tolerate.

If one knows the truth, he/she must tell it, otherwise he/she will be lying, not only to others, but to him/herself.

Tolerance does not mean to accept everything as equally valid. It means to be sympathetic to people who does not see the same way as you do.

One step higher is love.

Love compels those who knows truth must tell it to those who does not know, regardless of those who do not know may feel about truth while sympathizing to people who does not see the way you do.

 

So let’s love a little bit more.

 

Now I remember a prayer I prayed, about giving the best years of my life to God. Everything makes sense, God gave me opportunities to seek first the Kingdom and His righteousness, now I wait for “all these things will be given to you”

 

So definitely no girl for me, until God wakes me up like he did with Adam.

What I’m praying for:

1. Someone who is not anxious in anything, but in everything through prayer and petition

2. Someone who does not cap me, but push me farther towards God

3. Please sing in tune

4. Someone who will not be overwhelmed by me

5. Intensely Shiny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s been a while, n I should be writing something else….

I am supposed to be writing an astonishing scene right now for my playwriting class. It is pretty easy, but I would actually have to use my imagination. I’ll do it as soon as I finish this post. Writing about what I actually want to write is more enjoyable than having to write stuff that people want me to write.

Anyways, it’s been a long time since I’ve really posted anything. It doesn’t mean my brain stopped working. It just means that I have been unable to get what has been on my mind in an organized form in which I can put it into English words that is comprehensible to the general public, which in this case would be you the reader, if anyone is reading at all.

Has it been 1 week or 2 weeks since I’ve last posted up a real post? I think I forgot the reason why I started to post blogs in the first place.

So many times, I start something, but I forget the reason why I start that something. I guess this post will be about this weakness of mine.

For some reason, I can get really fired up about something. I would be like “Hell Yeah Let’s do it” and some how get distracted and lost the original purpose of what I wanted to do. And so what I wanted to do from the beginning often turn into things that I do not want to do. This expands more past than what I want to do, this goes into what I want in life, what my goals are, what I want to eat, what I want to plan, what I want to write.

Originally, when I logged on to wordpress, I really have no idea what to write about. All I remember is that I should write something, even if it’s crap, since it’s how people become better writers, and I want to become a better writer.

My lack of self-discipline and many distractions + responsibilities dragged me out of blogging for a little bit. Ionno how long this roller coaster ride will keep on going. It’s been going on for a while. For now, I can blog for a little while until I get distracted again, like everything else I do apparently.

This experience again reminds me of how unfocused I am(Is this the word for it?). This is actually pretty sad really. I wanted to write something here again, but I don’t really feel like saying that stuff directly, especially when I’m pretty tired. So I’ll just write some words and if anyone can figure out them meaning behind these words, good for you. If you can’t, just make up some story with these words that will soon follow.

Heart

Freedom

Sake

Tri/Rec/Hexagon,etc

Breaking 없어

Change

Boom

Wall

Step

Then…

Time to go go go

 

Maybe I should try to finish a story that I started in the summer. The original idea for it was great, but I’ve been reading too many narratives and academic writing, so I forgot how dialogues go. I’ll have to do some research before I can start writing… Now good luck to me, cuz I’ll probably put it off because there will always be something else to do. Like making a mix or playing HoN or making Shin Ramyun or do my laundry.

Who am I right now? The past makes me who I am. What about now? The decisions and choices I will have is very confusing. If anyone wants to pray for me, please do. I want to be able to love more. If I really learn to love, I would be able to use that love to focus on what needs to be done, on who needs to be loved, on what my priorities should be.

I really have to finish my scenario, so I’ll go. Later

 

So I failed one day… and a bus ride to the past

I was supposed to post yesterday, but after practicing sports out in the shiny sun, I was deeply exhausted. And I finally finished watching Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Extended Version last night. I also ate Kimchi Pasta made by some friends. It was a good night.

Anyways

On to the bus driver.

I honestly forgot what I was going to write about the bus driver. So here I am, making stuff up as I go since I did write that I will write about bus drivers.

Bus drivers are awesome.

Bus rides are even more awesome.

End of story.

I remember that bus rides were an integrate part of my AP US History teacher’s high school life. He used to ditch school and just go on bus rides all day. Every time now whenever I go on a bus ride, I try to think about what he is thinking. I think I understand why he likes to ride buses. You can meet/spy/see the strangest people on the bus. The bus is a nice peaceful place where you can relax.

I know it can get crowded and stuff. But when next time y’all on a bus, try to stare at people. People will try to avoid your gaze. It’s really funny. If we were children, we would point and stare at strange people without holding back.  Why is it as we grow older, we lose that instinct to do what we want to do? Is it the “law of society” that everyone has to uphold? Is it the same reason why we go to college?

I’m gonna connect the bus riding experience with why people do certain things.

People do things because they are conditioned to think and do things as society tells them.

But what if the society itself is wrong?

Then what can a person do to break out of this tyrannic rule of “law of society”? For example, as kids, we are told not to point and stare, even when people are acting strange. Usually when people act strangely, there’s some kind of problem. So as kids, people are conditioned to ignore such problems. (A small example is if people see someone with a booger hanging out of their nose, people wouldn’t really tell them.) So now as the people that we elected are abusing their powers, people are just “meh” about it. People are not taking action, even though many of the actions are against the “consent of the governed”, as the Declaration of Independence has once stated.

So now about college, why do people go to college? To get a better education, to invest in life, to get a good life experience, to network, to make friends, to develop spiritually, to learn what their talents are, to find their soul mate, etc…. I’m pretty sure there are many reasons for people to go to college.

But one of the main reasons for people going to college, is the idea that “if you don’t have a degree, you won’t get a good job.” That is true and untrue at the same time. This is my fourth year in college, and as I go to class, do the assignments, go through the college routine, I honestly think college itself is something made up by people for purposes other than raising new young leaders for our society. I would write more on this, but I need to think about this first. My opinion can change. I haven’t reached a conclusion about college yet.

When I do, I will send an e-mail to my APUSH teacher. Why? Cuz as the 2nd semester of high school in my third year closed to an end. He asked us to remember his email address, so when we graduate college, we can send him a email and see how his students are doing.

I had a nice conversation with him. Everyone in our class did. I think after that class, this is maybe what he thought of me. It could be something else. But when he asked me, what is most important for me right now? I answered love. So it would make sense for him to write something about this.

I see the romantic kid who is bright but uninterested in challenging
his intellect. Instead, he waits… he waits to be awakened.
Unfortunately, his waiting will be in vain. Intelligence is an
intrinsic force. But maybe the student doesn’t want to expand his
mind. Maybe he is looking, at this time, to just expand his heart…

The above quote was from his farewell email.

And I agree with him. The me that was bright but uninterested in challenging my intellect. There wasn’t really anything to challenge my intellect with during high school. All I wanted to do was music. Because I am perfect pitch and I want to maximize my talent in music. I also had a very long lasting crush on this girl, I was very looking to expand my heart.

Now… I don’t know. Sure I can love, but I don’t see anyone that can love me back. I will just be a sucker who dumps his time and money if I fall for anyone, so right now, I don’t really care about any girls. I would rather be closer friends with them than being anyone too special. Being in a relationship will also take up a lot more of my time. Until I graduate, I doubt I will get any girlfriend, it doesn’t matter if she’s 10 out of 10 and jumps on me. I don’t give a damn. (Okkk maybe I do give a damn, but I would go “you love nothing more than a thought and a dream” and go “I cannot give you what you desire”. Kudos to Aragorn son of Arathorn.

This teacher is right about the waiting part too. I am so bored. There’s nothing to challenge me. Everything is so routine, so “standardized”, like a factory production line. This is the same way I feel about college too. It’s just a more specialized factory production line. But I’m so bored… Even music is boring, they make it so factory like it’s retarded.

How can one break out of this factory chain?

But anyways that question involve serious thinking. Instead of answering that question, I will just say that I will have to challenge myself since nothing else can challenge me.

So here I am writing this blog about bus drivers.

Now wasn’t that a great story?

*Cue Reading Rainbow ~music F4 A4b C4 A4b