Who I was, Who I am, Who I will be

I’m going to use writing to remember who I am, my heritage, who I was, and who I am

Let’s start from birth.

Born in Colonial Hong Kong, as British Overseas Citizen of Her Majesty.

Descendant of the Mak Clan, firstborn of my generation patriarchally.

Kindergarden/Elementary student at an Anglican-affliated public school.

Violinist

Perfect Pitch, Absolute Pitch, Pitch Perfect

Immigrant to the United States,

A foreigner in a foreign land,

One who doesn’t know how to counter “Does your mother know you’re gay?”

A kid at a Chinese Church,

“Jacket-Kid” “Pokefreak” FOB to the max

Pianist

Middle-School, unknowingly teacher’s pet or subconsciously malevolent child?

“Look at Hin, he’s so creative” lolol

“Almost poked his eye out” playing with scissors

Starcraft Orchestrater 🙂

Did I mention saved by Jesus?

High School

Baptized

Secret Admirer for four years lol until I Facebook messaged her

Heartbreaker of 1,2,3,4,5,6? could be more could be less

Choir star

Accompanyist

Keyboardist

Gamer

not so fresh out of boat anymo

US Citizen

Driver

Frenchman

Guitar?

College

Freshman

Floormates

Classmates

Chinatown

the first legit Korean I met who is not too Americanized

Rivalries of Love, probably was only a crush on an imaginary ideal image instead of reality.

Become more Chinese + Taiwanese than ever.

Sophomore

Where did the Koreans come from?

Hyungnim invite Chinese noona, Chinese noona invite me

No crush for a long long time, not even one, completely free.

More and more Chinese, + More and more Korean, + more and more like Jesus

Summer

International Student @ Yonsei

Met someone special, yet not too special looking back

Kimchi-infused, wearing the helmet of bulgogi, breastplate of galbi, shield of jajangmyun, and belt of dukbokgi.

Almost a soonjang?

Almost a voice major?

Almost gtfo of major?

Almost a relationship?

Junior year was a lot of almosts.

Senior

Finishline

Le Presidente de Union de Chinois et Taiwan.

저눈 누구애요?

What is my calling? What can be higher? What’s higher calling?

East Asia it is.

Talk with missionary.

Desire to go.

Worked to make it possible.

Goer

Listener

Messenger

Translater

Master of Ceremonies

Bridge

Singer

Matthew 6:33

Kingdom Seeker

Unemployment

Proverbs 16:8-9

Employment

Intern-ment

Mission-ment -> Thailand -> Blood boiling

Entrepreneur -> Blood boiling

Still Perfect Pitch

Eternity

God’s child

Co-heir with Jesus

Beloved of God

Temple of the Holy Spirit

New Creation

Free

 

 

 

Murphy’s law at its finest

Lately I’ve been experiencing Murphy’s law a lot.

“Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”

Things that are completely out of my control at least, like scanner breaking down, recent medical sicknesses/conditions, black screen of death on my main laptop, speeding ticket at the wrong moment at the wrong time.

And I thought I would expect these things, but obviously, now I know I can’t expect what I don’t know. 

Still, “I will bless the Lord at all times.” Psalms 34:1

Singing and listening to some praise songs remind me of God’s goodness and how He makes everything work together for my good. Even though I’m living on water, Jesus is always there to pick me up.

But seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own.

This verse is not saying there will be no troubles, in fact, it says there will be trouble, but it is teaching how to deal with the troubles that exist. “Do not worry”

I think if there’s anything I’m good at, it would be not worrying, not because I’m ignorant, but I’ve been submerged into God’s provision and my body is dripping wet with this reality, although there are somethings I am concerned about, I do not need to think about it over and over again. I have no need to worry, for God is in control.

Though I’m expecting more unexpected things to happen in the near future, I’ll still be “joyful always” because of what Jesus did for me.

 

 

Everything works together

For my good, God makes it so.

Definitely even more convinced to go to mission.

I kept getting shot at by Satan, even though I already committed, second thoughts came from no where and people who worry.

Isn’t a person’s eternity more important than me getting a job?

Isn’t it emergency that people are going to die without knowing Jesus rather than me getting a secure income?

What can I give up to fulfill this commission Jesus gave to me?

What can I deny to carry the cross daily and follow him?

“Therefore take up the shield of faith and quench the arrows of the evil one”

Consider it quenched.

Thanks to God who directly reveals that and boosts my faith. 

I’m getting closer and closer to Philippians 1:21 

To live is to Christ and to die is to gain.

I even have a will ready on one of my google doc (nonlegally binding cuz I haven’t had any witnesses nor signature on it), that’s how I prepared. Am I fully prepared? Time will tell.

So now I bid adieu for now.

Lately I’ve been having an overflow of emotion and feelings I just have to keep writing, expect stormy weather ahead.

Choices + traveling

Sometimes I wonder if the choices I make are the right choices.

Am I merely doing what I want, or what God wants?

It makes sense I would be facing these choices, it is right on schedule. 

 

Should I wait to be more informed before making some choices, or should I just take step of faith?

Logically I would want to wait, I also know, if I miss the moment, the moment is lost forever. 

Would I regret not doing something or would I regret doing something? This is the conflict.

This applies to multiple things happening right now, and it’s troubling me.

I’m just glad I don’t have to make any decisions yet, but I see these things looming on the horizon. They’re certainly troubling, yet they are also opportunities to build my faith.

It feels as though I really am walking on water, and the waves and wind are growing stronger and stronger as I walk, especially people on the boat where I left yelling “hey, come back to the boat, where it is safe,” it definitely is an attractive option to go back to the boat where I left, but the boat eventually will capsize, where I’m fine walking on water as I’m looking to Jesus. 

I wish I know more water walkers. It seems like everyone else has so much stability, while my circumstances are ever changing.  I feel there’s no one specifically I can follow; there are no role models because “everyone is so much different than me.” 

I wonder if it is a lie I’m saying to myself or maybe it’s just something I have to deal with.

This instability keeps my eyes on Jesus, so that’s the really good thing, it also gives an opportunity for envy to enter my heart, to want to have something I don’t have that someone else has.

Everyone is truly unique, though I don’t seem to fit in any of their uniqueness. Maybe I’m normal and everyone else is weird, not the other way around, or I’m like Australia, being separated from normal people for far too long. That in itself is another story that goes all the way back to my earliest memories as a 2 year old, this feeling of never belonging, drifting away from places to places.

 

Perhaps God made me so I can fit anywhere and everywhere, surely I am by myself, because of that, I can fit everywhere: from the utmost heights to the deepest bottom, from 1st world to 3rd world, from the most sociable person to the most socially awkward person.

 

I do wish I have someone similar to me to be close with me, so far, there are some that come close, but no one I’ve met can take that seat yet. I see people who potentially will, but I haven’t seen it in full fruition yet.

Until then, I remain a traveler, with no one yet able to keep up. I do hope to find someone in the near future. God knows best, and makes everything work together for my good.

That’s why I really like this song Oceans, it’s totally describing my life and my desire.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

 

I want to be at the place where my trust for Jesus is without borders, and I wish I have someone with me who can do the same too.. 

 

That is the number one thing I search for in a girl.. Without this, no one has a chance, so no one had a chance… 

 

 

What does it feel when time does not exist?

I had a dream where time stopped.

Everything just is,

and everything not is not.

My eyes are really fresh, yet my whole body feels as though it’s not my body, almost like I don’t belong in it.

It’s a weird feeling.

Maybe it’s because I’m sore from being sick, and not being able to eat the things I usually eat, I don’t know what to eat.

My mind is really befuddled. I want to have a day off just to lay in my bed and think about all these things that transpired over the last couple days.

I am not sure why I feel the way I do now. It’s not a bad feeling, it’s a weird feeling.

And it’s not merely a weird feeling, it is a multitude of feelings, each equally weird by themselves.

I can almost taste eternity.

One of the most important things for me right now is to rest.

Rest all of me can be used when it is needed.

On Easter, many people who have never stepped into a church their whole life, will go to church. Especially this season, the Catholics getting a new Pope, there are so many things going on, people’s minds are on spiritual things. 

Spiritual battle is happening more transparently and more frequently as the days lead up to Easter, where many dead lives will be raised to life.

I definitely need to be constantly refreshed.

I wish time pauses so I can rest in a nice quiet place.

 

 

Somethings cannot be held back

I almost want to write a poem,

but I don’t have that much brain power nor the patience for it right now.

I have no interest in grammar either

but I’m a little crazy today…

after some sudden revelations,

Waking up, seeing that presence striking me

Early in the morning you drift into my thoughts

What do I do? Wanting to run, but this virus makes muscles sore.

So I just let it be.

What then?

There was a light kindling,

it was strangely light, almost unrecognizable.

Yet it isn’t time, my speech is disabled.

Almost to evade, “it’s a trap”, truth be told,

Randomly it crept to me.

I purposefully evaded for a time, yet it was unavoidable,

as a train cannot move away from its tracks, the tracks led me to a unexpected stop

I hope it’s only a short break.

I dreamt a dream of my blood tested.

My personality revealed, as my blood stirred,

the results came true, as the display showed

as I awaken, I see

lingering in front of me

unavoidable

I am conflicted.

There are different paths I can take.

Being in confusion, I wait once again.

I must see more clearly, once again I investigate,

yet I must admit, I haven’t felt this way for the longest time.

The ice has melted for a little

There is still nothing yet.

Yet it lingers, a kindling

one I avoided to kindle, yet it came…

I’m not complaining about it

but now I have to wait a little longer.

hope the candles were a lie

So what now? What can I do?

I will wait, for the night is near.

Will I be able to see in that night?

I wonder..

Who can fit in the puzzle?

Who can stand in the deep blue?

Who dares to walk on water?

That is what I must see.

The waiting game playing still,

slowly opening the windows,

let it leak in, creep in.

 

 

 

A weird answer

Now we know what weird means.

Supernatural + Unearthly

I prayed to God “Help me die to myself so I can be made new, help me to be holy, I don’t exactly understand it, let me realize it with my whole body”

I didn’t exactly realize it from then, but I guess it makes sense now I think about it.

I’ve been feeling like dying for about a month now, like choking to death.

I don’t really know why, and I still don’t, but it doesn’t matter much.

What matters is I think this is a way for God to set me apart, to make me holy.

I went to the doctor because it’s been for a long time, and that day it was just unbearable, I had trouble breathing.

They had a Ear Nose Throat specialist see me, and he sticked a scope up my nose all the way down to my throat to check if there was anything stuck there, looks like it was acid reflux.

What that means is, if I eat spicy food, fried, CAFFEINE, citrus, vinegar & similar acidic foods, I would feel like dying. Moreover, I can’t eat late night.

There goes my plan to gain weight

Well I did wish I would never become fat when I was like 3,4 years old, God is faithful 🙂

And I’m thinking God is using this to make me to another level of new creation, shedding away more of my flesh away.

I think I can still eat those things sometimes, but just not too much. If I don’t get better in about a month, the doc told me to go back in and get an x-ray.

Well, I’m kinda ready to die too, I even wrote a will (because it felt that bad) and gave the key to the will to the executor I appointed.

This constant feeling of dying made me thought about death a lot. I think I was still a little unsettled with dying before this whole experience, but now I’m totally ready. It’s going to be a little uncomfortable, but it doesn’t stay uncomfortable for too long. I wasn’t ready for the uncomfortable part, but I am more ready than before now. I can live Philippians 1:21 much more fuller: To live is to Christ and to die is to gain.

I compare dying as walking on water to Jesus on a stormy day. The thunder is loud, the wind pushing me, the waves splashing me, the water is cold, yet I keep my eyes on Jesus.

There is this new song called Oceans by Hillsong United in their new album, the lyrics speak exactly what I want to say.

“Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)”

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Yes I would like to walk on water + swim on land too. I’ll stick with barrel rolls in the sky.

Why?

Is this question “Why?” the most asked question of all time?

From childhood, people are curious: “Why?”

Well, “Why not?”

Growing up, I didn’t learn to ask why.

I learned to ask why not.

“Why not it be real?”

“Why not stay skinny forever?”

“Why not?”

When people ask “Why?” I think they are limiting themselves to the possibilities. 

Of course, it’s personal opinion and all.

There’s nothing I can do or say to convince people otherwise.

It’s all a matter of perspective.

Perspective depends on if the person can see or not.

What if a blind person, blind from birth, never know that he has eyes meant to see?

I think that’s what’s happened to most people now.

They are satisfied with living in blindness, thinking it is all that there is, darkness.

Instead of asking “why”, I call you out to ask “why not?” as well.

Why do you see things the way you see things?

Why do you see somethings as “good” and somethings as “bad”?

Why do you see evil in this world?

By seeing “evil”, you’re assuming there’s “good”.

So by what standard do you define “good”?

By what standard do you define “purposeful”?

If there are “purposeful” things, then there are “purposeless” things as well.

What do you see as “important”?

Is that really important?

And do you betray what you see as “good” and “purposeful” and “important”?

If you do, then by your own “standards”, you have absence of “good”.

Absence of good, is evil.

Just like cold is not the opposite of heat, but just the lack of heat.

Just like darkness is not the opposite of light, but just the lack of light.

Evil is the not the opposite of good, but just the lack of good.

So do whatever you would like.

If there is no justice in the world, do whatever you would like.

It’s pretty easy to get away with stuff.

But somehow, there is guilt still.

Why is there guilt?

Because the judgement is done.

Who?

Who judges a person?

The One who created the standards.

He who made us to run on Him as our fuel.

He who made everything good before the absence of good entered the world.

He who made the perfect laws of natural and supernatural world.

Why am I even writing this?

Why not?

Who will write this if not I?

Surely someone else can and/or will write something like this.

But no one will write it exactly like I do.

So I write.

Now back to the story.

Now mankind broken perfection of the world, so mankind would perish.

Yet, He who made the world, loves.

And through that love, He died, taking the form of human, meanwhile still being God.

And rose again, with his human body, so all mankind can rise again with Him.

So dead bones will be filled with life.

I must sleep now.

Why not pray and ask God to prove it to you?

It’s easy to look for what you like, but it’s harder to look for what it’s true. 

Why not question what you believe now?

I dare you to question.

Why not?

You don’t even need to say anything out loud.

Do it with your heart.

 

 

 

 

 

Weird criteria

Sometimes I wish there is someone who would provoke me to do thing I haven’t even imagined of.

Too many people are stuck in the trap of “normality”, or conformity, herd mentality.

I guess humans are wired like that; does that make me unhuman?

I am no one’s fan, no sports team, no celebrity. I see no role model, I only see bits and pieces of good things and take it, almost like an artist puts pieces together to create something new.

I guess that’s the reason why I’m weird. Or maybe I am not weird, it’s people who call me weird who’s weird.

What makes someone weird?

According to dictionary.com, weird means

1.

involving or suggesting the supernatural; unearthly or uncanny: a weird sound; weird lights.

2.

fantastic; bizarre: a weird getup.

I have to admit I am weird then, because I am definitely “unearthly”, meaning I don’t belong in this world.

What is your identity? Where is your citizenship?

When people see me, they see me possibly as Chinese/Japanese/Korean.

When people see my passport, they see me as American.

But that’s just what people say, and it’s true I am those things, but these identities do not last.

My eternal identity is a child of God, citizen and heir of His Kingdom for all eternity.

Definitely unearthly.

I might as well put my criteria for a potential girl I may like, because I’m bored, and I want to write it out. Maybe people will understand why I still don’t have a girlfriend lol.

1. Doesn’t worry, trusting God is in total control, (and this can’t happen without knowing Jesus)

2. Expands my horizons instead of limiting it, saying “why not?” instead of “it’s impossible”.

3. Can stand up to my presence, someone who can kick my ass when my ass needs to be kicked.

4. a.) Skinnier than me b.) Completely okay with me skinnier than her

#1 already eliminates 99% of the girls I know..

Even without #1, #4 destroys candidates about most already.

Good luck to me..

God knows what I need.. so I wait..

19% battery left

Let’s see what I can write with this much battery, kekeke.

Like most other times, I come to write without knowing what to write.

I only got back home about 20 minutes ago (7:30pm ish). And now I’m eating dinner as I’m writing this post. My average day is like today, being away from my house the whole day until night.

So what am I doing now? Why am I so occupied?

I intern at South Bay Church by day, and tutor K-12 by night. Lol the 14% battery warning just came on. It’s probably because I am eating too.

I am in a nice transitional phase right now.

Before I graduated, I actually thought I would just enter the workforce, do some SWOT analysis, marketing, stuff relevant to my major. Now I don’t really know what I’ll do with it. Sure it’s something I can do, but it may not be what I will do.

Similarly, for those who are still studying, what you study now gives you ability to do things other who didn’t study what you study cannot do, but that does not mean you will do what you study.

Although it seems now your goals are good, later on you may see there are greater things. Do not limit yourself by stressing yourself “I must do this or else I fail at life” No, there are surely greater things than these.

Is what you study now important? By all means YES. What you study becomes a part of you. In my case, I can see how studying economics affected my perception of everyday life. The cruel realities of life and the brokenness of the world, I understand much deeper than if I never majored in economics. I have to say I also have a artistic mind, although I do not have visual artistic talent, I picture my life as an artwork.

I’m down to 5% now.

Worrying does nothing to make things better. Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, something something from Philippians 3 or 4.

For those who never prayed, why not? There is nothing to lose. For those who are not praying as much as they want, why not? Just do or do not, there is no try.  I’m writing this to myself to keep me on my toes. So I will always remember to depend on God first.

And I’m done