A short journey (?)

What is life that it should last a long time?

I really think I almost died by cake. It’s that easy. I wonder if I will die anytime now.

Choking on cake instilled a fear I had not known, fear of not able to breath. And death by cake is not something I would’ve liked or even thought of.. I’m glad it’s kind of over, but my fleshly body still has survival mode on (feel like I’m on the verge of hyperventilating). Even when I know where I will go, my body fights against it.

I’m pretty sure people will say nice things at my funeral. I would like it to be not too gloomy though. If I die, I want people to be happy for me. People will be sad, it’s only natural, but I’ll be with Jesus and that’s everything. I would want to die without noticing the process of dying. The process is a little uncomfortable, kind of just want to skip it n fast forward to the good part. But maybe I’ll come back if you do put me on life support, and I may be able to tell real cool stories when I get back, instead of regular cool stories.

I really don’t have anything to pass to anyone. I suppose I can start writing my will, although I have no witness or any lawyer, this will be a good guideline if I die tomorrow.

I started writing it, and then I thought some things are too personal to put it here, so I think I would write individual letters and put it to my Google doc in a folder called My Will. If I die, it’ll be useful, of I don’t, I have something to look at as I get older. I don’t know if I can do everything tonight. I did drink a big coffee, so…

I still wish I could have done a little more, a little more fishing, spend a little more time with people, maybe get a girlfriend? A wife? Children maybe? Or at least get a chance to say something about what I ________ (I don’t know what word to put, it’s a feeling but it’s not, it’s like me being me but it’s towards someone). Or it’s actually better if I take it to the grave. All the secrets are belong to me. Hue hue hue. I am positive I will always want to do more even if I die 60 years in the future, I’m more positive I’ll forget all these after I meet Jesus.

Phillipians 1:21 To live is to Christ and to die is to gain.

I can totally see what Paul was gong through. Just when I thought I had it figured out God teaches me more deeply. As if that God sinks me into a ocean of truth enveloping me to the blunt of this reality: the conflict between staying in this world and being with Jesus. 

There is also the desire of the fleshly mind and body top stay alive and keep awareness and sensations in this world of atoms. The fact is our perception of reality is limited to the reality we are in. We cannot make up something we cannot see existing in our world, but we may be able to find and see clues of something not of this world of atoms. If we are to say there need to be empirical proof, then I’m going to need empirical proof whoever is actually reading this exists, or someone that exists, not just a figment of my imagination.

I do have a present to give to someone if I stay alive long enough. I didn’t wrap it yet, so I doubt anyone will know where it is or even know if it’s a gift. So good luck to that person.

Then there’s the kids that in tutoring, not sure if anyone can replace me. My pride says. Well, I haven’t seen anyone come close to being similar to me so… My logic says. I’m pretty sure God can use my absence for something greater than having my presence on Earth. Reminded by the HS.

I do really want to write a book or two, but as I started, I realize what a mess it is without a roadmap. And so I wanted to read more and see more clearly the picture I want to draw. Not even 1% is firm, it’s all in pencil. Maybe I will live long enough to finish it? Maybe I’ll be like Mozart, love the way he writes his music.
I do want to go to sleep, not like dying sleep but sleep sleep. But I think caffeine kicked in and will last for a while. And I just got a cramp in my toe…

I’m actually writing all this on my bed, because I still don’t feel well enough to sit upright.

I do think I’m doing better, but what I think may just be an illusion.

What would my epitaph be? I want to make up something cool but I’m having a writer’s block moment right now..

“later” “Hin Lun Mak lies here does not” “Death by cake ez” “my cool story starts another chapter” “one does not simply stay on earth” “not sure if alive or alive”

So now my right foot toe cramps… Almost expecting my heart to cramp…
Or the roof to fall on me
Or a plane crash into my room
Or random assassin shank me
Or I stop breathing randomly
Etc…

Be creative and think about the possibilities! Be it death or life.

Don’t follow limited people and things, but follow the Everlasting God.

I do hope people consider why they believe what they believe: test it, because there might be a wall you put blocking the inconvenient Truth.

Be honest to yourself at the very least.

I do hope I wake up tomorrow. If I don’t, good bye, hopefully I’ll see you.

I am pretty tired, but that caffeine… *$3%&*7*$5%!3&’8:%#@%&-“^¶¢¢^π®£π×{¶| ••ππ÷°×=×°÷¶

Wants to go pee…

I had a dream last night and some people got me really mad I chucked a chair and broke a huge glass window because those people wanted me to do something I see no value in and is against my very existence. I woke up pretty mad.. The anger went away but it does concern me why I feel the way I feel.

Time to bust out the dream dictionary huehuehue..

 

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